An Exercise from the book about Self-Compassion

An incoherent start to the year:

Sometimes starting the year is hard, and I feel like 2025 is one of these for me. Starting another year sometimes means to think about the year that has come and gone, with all its ups, downs and in between.

My friend M gave me this book called Self Compassion by Kristin Neff some weeks ago. I’d been putting off reading it, with the excuse that I was too busy. In the last few days, I found myself thinking about it — perhaps the world provides in this way. Or rather, friends provide.

There’s an exercise in this book that is about “Seeing Yourself as You Are”. It is designed to help us see ourselves clearly and accept ourselves as we are. Perhaps this is a good place and time to think about this idea.

A. List five culturally valued traits for which you’re above average:

I’m good at organizing various things: events, plans, schedules, to-do lists.

I’m good at being a friendly face and communicating with others in a social setting.

I’m good at perseverance. I am very good at enduring large amounts of practice time (and the mental weariness that accompanies it) if there is something that I want to improve at.

I’m generally good at finding interesting things to occupy my time with. Books, hobbies, interesting places/restaurants to check out, and so forth.

I consider myself a creative person who is above average in flexing creative skills in many aspects — work, play, dance, visual art, illustration, interior decoration, and so on.

B. List five culturally valued traits for which you’re just average:

I’m average at being physically competent — such as gym things, sports, hand-eye coordination and so on.

I’m average at keeping things clean. I don’t really enjoy cleaning or chores, and although I keep up enough to be socially acceptable I don’t think I go above and beyond in those traits.

I’m average at cooking. I like eating home-cooked foods, but I honestly can’t be bothered to aspire more than making something healthy. That being said, at least I am good at making sure something has nutritional value if I cook something.

I’m an average pet owner. I wish I could be more proactive in making sure that my cat is having the best time. In reality, I think I am a pretty good one but not the world’s best, because sometimes I have a tough time taking care of myself and thus have a hard time extending the same gesture to Benji.

I’m an average outfit person. I often wish I had more of a sensitivity to style, fashion, culture, and so on — but I do end up gravitating towards practicality and comfort most days. Athleisure is basic, I know, but I can’t help it.

C. List five culturally valued traits for which you’re below average:

I’m terribly below average at keeping in touch with family. I know I have my reasons for this — and my relationship isn’t that great with my parents (maybe on purpose, honestly). I do wish I was better at keeping in touch with my brother, though, because he contacts me much more often than I initiate.

I’m pretty bad at being kind to myself (ironic since I’m reading this book, I know). I’m my own worst, harsh critic.

I’m pretty bad at anything musicality-related: singing, playing an instrument, identifying sounds, and so on. I also have a hard time when people talk about music and bands and so forth.

I’m bad at managing my own anxiety and it tends to spill over into other places of my life. Catastrophic thinking and black and white thinking are the two biggest culprits.

I’m super below average at remembering many things — faces, numbers, names, and events, and generally second guess myself. This probably spills into being bad at many different kind of games too.

Then, the book asks you to consider the full range of traits listed above.

Consider the full range of traits listed above. Being human does not mean being better than others. Being human means you encompass the full range of human experience, the positive, the negative, and the neutral. Being human means you are average in many ways. Can you celebrate the experience of being alive on this planet in your complexity and wonder?

This ask is a hard one. Parts of the book that I am struggling with is that it keeps asking you to not compare yourself to others — but I really don’t compare myself to others, because I don’t really need the concept of an other to not be kind to myself. I think I have the tendency to be unkind to myself even if I was the only person marooned on an island. That being said, I do like where the book is going, so I will continue to read it.